Phil and I took a swing dance class a couple years ago with some friends. After one lesson, I was amazed at the parallels that emerged between my role as a dance partner and my role as a wife.
1. The Woman Can't Lead
In smooth and successful swing dancing, there is a clearly identified leader that knows the tempo of the music, the order of the steps, and what's coming up next. If the partner is always struggling for control, the steps are clumsy and there is no rhythm.
We were never able to establish a fluid motion of dance when I was vying with Phil for his role. I certainly needed to be paying close attention and know the steps for myself; I could not be a passive, uninvolved partner. But, I did need to wait for the gentle pressure that Phil would exert on my hand or shoulder, sending me off in the right direction.
In the same way, I cannot lead in our marriage. God gave that job to Phil and our life is much more beautiful and smooth when I let him fulfill that calling.
2. Don't Tell Your Partner What to Do
Our instructor had to correct me for this several times as I was regularly “reminding” Phil of his steps. Problem was, I didn’t really know Phil’s steps. I had an idea of what was required of him, but I truly had no clue. He was standing opposite me, using different feet for each unique move. He knew his prescribed set of steps and I didn’t need to know what each was. I simply had to trust him to lead so I could more easily concentrate on what I needed to do.
Similarly, I do not have the entire picture of what God has called Phil to be and do as leader of our home. I need to trust that he is seeking God for his calling, which frees me up to focus on mine.
3. Add Creative Flair at the Right Time
I came to discover that my favorite part of dancing was the extra shoulder shimmy I was free to slip in when I was headed in the right direction.
As a wife, there is so much creativity and flair that I can add to my marriage when I am under Phil’s leadership and protection. The overall effect is a delightful and unique version of this dance called life—Phil and Jen style.
4. Stepping on Toes Is Painful
It’s gonna happen; especially when we are just learning or trying something new. We must humble ourselves enough to ask forgiveness for the toe smashing—no matter how painful or whether it was intentional. It makes for restored closeness for the rest of the dance.
5. Don't Compare Yourselves to the Couple Dancing Next to You
Phil has a very calm, cool, understated manner about him in life, and on the dance floor. He is not the guy with the flashy moves and crazy stunts, but I do know what I can expect from him: he is consistent. Our teacher complimented him on his smoothness and I would miss it if I’m looking around to see how good we look compared to the next couple.
God has called us to our particular rhythm, tempo and moves for our marriage; we don’t get to dance to someone else’s song!
6. Remember the Basics
Sharon, our instructor, always reminded us that if we got lost in the dance sequence, we could always come back to Step 1 and get re-synced. We both knew what came next when we remembered where we came from.
In our marriage, there are times when one (or both) of us has forgotten the way—lost sight of what we are about. When we re-orient ourselves on the basics, we find our way again.
Our marriage is about reflecting Jesus to each other and the world around us. Our marriage is about worship—enjoying God’s presence together. When we get spun out of control and focused on the wrong dance, we must always go back to the basics: "We love because He first loved us" (1 John 4:9).
7. Keep Going
This last lesson is one of the hardest for me: perseverance. It is required on the dance floor and it is required in life. We are going to make mistakes, be off tempo and out of sync, but we must keep going. There are no do-overs in life—only do differently. We must have our eyes firmly fixed on Christ—the author and perfector (and choreographer) of our faith. As we continue the dance, we will recognize him more and more in ourselves and each other.
And something that was a lot of fun this year (stolen from Molly Piper):
Oct 3, 2010
Advent Baskets: Start thinking about them now!
Christmas 2007 was a dark one. I had buried my daughter 3 months before, almost to the day. We took off on a wild 6-week road trip all over the East Coast to get away, to escape.
But there was a little beam of light in the Advent season of 2007. That was the year I received an Advent basket.
What’s an Advent basket?
An Advent basket is a gift-a-day walk through the Advent season (December 1-25).
How do you do one?
1. Collect little knick-knack gifts for each day of Advent (so, 25 gifts altogether).
Now’s the time to start gathering fun little things for your basket! Start watching the dollar bins at Target, Michaels, etc. The items don’t have to be Christmas-related. When I did an Advent basket for a friend last year (pictured above), I tried to do a variety: Christmas-related stuff, snacks, bath & body stuff, a bottle of wine, a CD. The little pocket Advent chart was from Target, and I stuck a little sheet in each pocket with one of the names of God inside and a verse.
2. Wrap them up, and label them 1-25.
3. Include instructions for the person to open a gift a day, starting with Day 1. (On December 1st, open gift #1, on December 2nd, gift #2, etc.).
4. Reveal your identity somehow in gift #25 (on Christmas day).
5. Arrange for someone secret to deliver the Advent basket to the person before December 1. This was a really fun part for me! When I did mine, I found someone a few steps removed to do the delivery so it really threw my friend off! She had no idea it was from me.
6. Pray for that person especially during Advent!
Who should I give one to?
Only you can decide who your Advent basket is going to be for. The one I gave last year was for my friend Christy, who lost her mother unexpectedly a few months before. She was in the beginning stages of her grief journey, just like I was in 2007. And I remember so well how much joy that little basket brought me during Christmas of 2007. It was like each day I had a little something to wake up for. And the excitement and guess-work of wondering who it was from made it all the more exciting.
So, I won’t tell you who to give a basket to, but I’d encourage you to think of someone who’s had a particularly hard year, or someone who’s not looking forward to Christmas for any number of reasons. This is your chance to share the joy of Christmas with them this year and lift their eyes to see Jesus.
When I got my basket in 2007, it was from a family I know and love. When I opened their final gift on Christmas day, I just wept. I was so touched and humbled by their love.
Go ahead, try it!
I’m not one of those people who particularly likes to shop for Christmas stuff in October, but it’s a good idea to start looking for fun things now! And even if you don’t start the actual shopping now, you can be doing some brainstorming and praying about who you’d like to give an Advent basket to.
Something cute I found that gave me ideas:
Do not fear if finances are really tight this year. There are lots of thoughtful, touching gifts that won’t cost you a thing. “Love Lists” are extremely romantic, and rolled up like a scroll with some ribbon tied around them, they’re something she’ll treasure forever. Make a list of everything you love about her -- of your favorite memories of your time together so far, of all the ways she’s made your life better or of all the adventures you want to have with her. Good old IOUs are pretty sweet, too, especially if they’re redeemable for things like massages, foot rubs, or a homemade dinner.
A mixtape (or CD -- don’t hand her a USB stick on Christmas morning!) is a classic. Fill it with either her favorite songs, songs that have her name in them or songs about places you guys want to go together. Finally, if the two of you have a sense of humor about being broke, why not make a funky collage with cut-out pictures of things you plan to get her when you do have money. Laminate it so she can stick it on the fridge, but be prepared to follow through on at least some of them when the money comes in.
